Another Entry

So I’ve been enjoying writing a blog even though I haven’t gotten anybody to read my blog yet. One of the things that I’ve been able to do is self analyze myself and the feelings that I have. As well as that I’ve been able to reflect on some of the things in my life as well which has been really interesting. Seeing how you see life and mulling over what you find to be important to yourself and looking at what kind of bugs you when you get to my age is a good thing considering that probably over half my life has passed me by, and so I’m able to assess my life and make decisions to either readjust my path or to continue on in the same vein.

For me I have a vague outline of what I want for the future, and I believe I have the means to achieve it, and maybe I need why help to get their, but I think for me it is hard to ask for help in order to get there. Why that would be I don’t know, probably pride really. I saw a video recently where a women was going on about people asking for help and that it isn’t showing weakness asking for help, in fact your showing weakness by not asking for help. I know that it is not just hard for me to ask for help but to know what help is available. The funny thing is though that if someone needs help and asks me to help them for the most part I would go out of my way to help that person and I think that I know a lot of people who would do the same. Yet ironically I find it nearly impossible to ask for help.

Possibly it could be the thought of being rejected which I really hate. Possibly it is the fact that you put yourself at the mercy of someone else, which I’m not all to fond of either. Possibly it is the fact that you just hate owing somebody something which is another thing that I hate or it could be a possible combination of a whole lot of things.

One thing that I know is that I hate asking people for money. Especially if they owe me. If I owe say a friend money I usually pay them back exactly when I say I will. And I very rarely loan out money the main reason being that I don’t have any. Trying to ask people for money is just not something that I’m comfortable with and never have been. But if someone gets a loan off of me and they don’t pay me back when they say they will it’s a given that they won’t get another loan from me.

I guess you could indeed say that not being able to ask for help is a weakness, but for me there is a reason for that weakness. I’m not saying that there is a good reason for that weakness however, just that there is one. And it’s a reason that I own, and possibly share with a lot of people. Another weakness I can admit to is in helping people. Sometimes when you help people they are able to manipulate your kindness and benefit in a way where you are actually put out of pocket or lose something that was valuable to you. That seems to be happening more and more and sadly makes people who get into those sorts of predicaments not want to offer their help in the first place.

There are some people I think who strictly offer their help to purely benefit themselves in some way, expecting that some time down the line they will get something in return. Then there are those who just help because they feel pity for somebody in a bad predicament or know the feeling of helplessness all to well and want to help because somebody helped them out in there time of need and so feel that they need to pay back the universe in some small kind way. Others just help to feel that good feeling of, well just helping. Being able to help someone in need is a great feeling to have, it gives you a feeling of self- worth and pride. On the opposite end though the feeling of being manipulated gives you a feeling of worthlessness and low self-esteem. And because of that feeling it’s no wonder that there are people who, like myself are unwilling to ask for help.

Now I’m not trying to justify my unwillingness to ask people for help, I’m just trying to say that there are reasons why I have that particular weakness in my repertoire and in saying that I believe a lot of other people would probably feel the same way.

Just saying that “people who don’t ask for help are really the weak ones,” is not getting to the heart of the problem because as I have mentioned, there is a reason. I’ll be honest I didn’t even know when I started writing this post that there really was a reason why I don’t ask for help, that’s just something that I’ve discovered in the writing of this post, and as such I’ve had very little time to ponder on this thought really.

Figuring out ‘why’ people have certain thoughts, feelings or weaknesses takes a bit of time to work out, so I guess I’ll let the thought mull over in my mind for a while before I come to a conclusion, if I ever do so of course.

You know when I first started this blog I never thought that I would ‘self-reflect’ on things but it has been great to be able to do so. At least it has for me, I don’t know if it has for you though if there is actually a you of course considering that I might be the only person who will ever read this blog. If that is the case I am the only person who will read this blog let me just say till tomorrow sweet dreaming y’all.

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The fourth entry

Entry 4

So I think I’m starting to get the hang of blogging, though this is still very much the early stages. Testing the waters if you will. My book writing might be suffering though as I am finding it a lot harder to write for my book, though for some reason writing a post for my blog has seemed to be a lot easier. I didn’t realise just how difficult it is to write a book. I’ve kind of hit a spot in my book where I’m finding it difficult to articulate a particular character or describe this character in a coherent way, possibly because I don’t know this character very well.

This character is suppose to be very quiet and introverted, the sort of person that I know very well I would say. I have a brother-in-law just like this character, hell I have a brother just like this character. My own son is very much like this character. Yet I can’t seem to find the right words to describe this character at all and its been bugging me because for some reason I’m unable to move on with my story.

I would even go so far as saying that even I’m like this character. Yet I can’t understand why I can’t articulate this character with the right words. Thinking about it I’m thinking to myself that maybe I don’t know my brother-in-law all to well, which I’m pretty certain I don’t, and maybe I don’t know my brother all that well either which is probably true, and perhaps I don’t know my son as well as I thought I did. That is quite likely as my son and my brother seem to share a certain bond that I probably may never understand, nor should I even try too, after all why would I intrude on something that belongs to them and has very little or probably nothing at all to do with me.

Leave well enough alone I say, why poke my nose into something that probably doesn’t affect me in the least. Just because they have there certain bond it doesn’t at all diminish the bond that me and my son have or the bond that me and my brother have.

What does bother me though is that there are a lot of people who seem to love to stick their noses in to places where they don’t need to be. A lot of people who do that, have this need to be more superior than there fellow man for some reason. They have to go around enforcing their will upon others as if their authority is the one true authority. They need too improve the environment or the situation in a manner where the possibly aggrieved or possibly agreeing parties have to know that they and only they can improve their predicament. And then satisfied that their meddling has made both parties feel inferior they can continue on to make others feel inferior in order to make themselves feel superior.

I saw this very thing happen right in front of me to a friend of mine. This friend of mine is my oldest friend, we have been friends since we were 5 years old, and we are lucky enough to be able to work with each other though we are in separate fields in our industry. She has a vast amount of television production experience and we were at a Maori Language awards when one of her former colleagues or so called friends was basically telling her what she should do to improve things in our industry and how to do it. This former colleague of my friend had no knowledge of what my friend was doing or how she was going about it, nor did she have any vested interest in what she was doing. She has no dealings with our business at all and will probably never have any dealings with us ever. The only reason she said anything to my friend was purely to make herself feel superior, by making my friend feel inferior.

To the credit of my friend she took it on the chin, eventually. Which is probably how I would have handled the situation myself. Let her spew her crap and then split the gap…..

Now I’m sure most people who do that sort of thing do so without realising what they are doing. Now both my daughters live together and ever since my granddaughter was born I go over there everyday except the weekends because my granddaughter goes to her grandmothers. My daughter’s house is usually a mess when ever I go over there, and my eldest daughter, the one without a child use to continually complain about the mess that I use to make when I was at there place. One day after the weekend I arrived at their place and barely ten minutes after I had gotten there she said to me: “You always come here and make a mess.”

I laughed in her face as I looked around her messy house that I had just arrived in, needless to say I don’t hear her complaining about me making a mess anymore. I see it all the time when people seem to complain about something that they don’t like, yet they totally ignore the fact that they do these things that they hate themselves. My flat mate is another example, he makes the biggest mess in the house but he doesn’t see the mess that he makes, he only sees mine.

Anyway my point is that a lot of people don’t see the bad that they do themselves unless it is pointed out to them. I guess its an unconscious blindness that probably everyone has, as we probably all ignore the things that we hate in ourselves but see it inherently in others.

Anyway, having said that maybe I have to make a more conscious effort in getting to know my son better, and in saying that maybe I could make more of an effort to get to know my brother better. And if I can get to know them better maybe I can get to know my brother-in-law better too. Perhaps then I will be able to describe this quiet character in my book. Till then sweet dreaming y’all.

The third entry

So I get under way with my next blog entry and another 1000 words. Sadly I wasn’t able to deliver my 2nd entry on time though I had indeed written it, but I had forgotten to put my second blog post on my memory stick when I went into work. That meant that I couldn’t post it on the second day but it doesn’t matter it was still done and what was really interesting to me is I really like that particular blog post because it made me open up to myself which I think is really awesome for me, and possible for you if you are reading this.

I’ve got some what of an idea what this post is going to be about but I think that I’ll reflect on the post that I did yesterday. Now first of all I have to mention the fact that I can’t post my entries from home because I don’t have access to the internet there, so I either go to work to post my entries or I go to the Library, or else I go to my daughters place where she has wi-fi. And so that I don’t have to lug around my laptop I decided to leave it at home yesterday and just take my memory stick with my blog post on it. But I had forgotten to load my post on to my memory stick hence why I was unable to post my second entry on time.

However reflecting on what I wrote yesterday I’ve thought a bit about my friends and how lying to them could possibly affect our relationship. Realistically it won’t in any way shape or form, but what if instead of lying I had told them the truth. There would probably be minimal effect on our relationship really but there probably would be an effect. What that effect could be I don’t know. But for me and for the situation that I was in, the best option that I saw was to lie. And to be honest I don’t think that I was wrong in lying. Others will probably have a different opinion and you certainly do have a right to that opinion but your opinion for the most part, especially in this particular situation, means diddly to me.

I don’t think that there has been much in the way of studying societal lies. Or perhaps lying at all though there is a number of things discussing being able to tell when someone is lying, though I won’t take what is written as scientific gospel. I myself have been interested in figuring out how to tell if someone is lying as I play a lot of poker and knowing when someone is being deceptive in a game of poker is a pretty handy skill to have.

I wonder if there is such a thing as honest lying. I mention honest lying because I think that I myself may indeed be an honest liar, if that is indeed a thing. One of the guys that I play poker with is to me a very honest player. How is a poker player honest you might ask. Well, I remember in one particular session that we had, there was a new player on our table and he seemed to always flash his cards in the direction of said player, and every time that occurred, said player told him to keep his cards low so that they couldn’t be exposed. That happened quite often till the new player finally got into the habit of keeping his cards down so that only he could see them. Now I’m not a big fan of ‘said’ player, but I gained a lot of respect for him that day.

I have always tried to play honestly when playing poker, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t bluff, because I do. Not very often though in my opinion but I do think of myself and that ‘said’ player as honest players. I’m also trying to be deceptive as much as I can, trying to induce other players to make mistakes, which is all part of the game but can be seen as angling if pushed beyond the rules and as a poker player most times I am trying to push the rules as most poker players probably do.

The friends that I lied to are also poker players, in fact that is how we met in the first place. They also are what I term as honest poker players as well. What is interesting is that being deceptive or bluffing is part of the game, and is certainly not frowned upon. Cheating however is a very different kettle of fish.
For me I’m not too fussed with cheats, because for me karma always seems to catch up on people, whether they do good or bad. I’m not saying that I’m fond of them either but for me if you cheat eventually you pay the piper.

It’s funny though how in society lying is very much frowned upon yet at the same time accepted by must people. I think that a very small minority believe it to be completely unacceptable to lie at all, yet nearly everyone does it in some way shape or form. It’s even funnier how some people are called ‘honest’ when pretty much everyone lies. That’s why I like honorable people, after all you don’t have to be completely honest to be honorable, and nobody (at least no one that I know) is completely honest.

I think everyone can claim to be a liar, and if that is the case nobody can call themselves honest. Most people aren’t honest with themselves so how can they be honest with others. In fact in western society, the society that I grew up in, that society almost insists that you lie. Lies abound every Christmas with parents lying about Santa Claus. They lie about the Tooth fairy, they lie to scare their children, yet they tell their kids that it’s bad to lie. If it’s bad to lie, why do parents lie so much?

Well that fulfills another 1000 words for my blog, not bad considering that I was going to write about trolling, which might have to wait for tomorrow. Till then sweet dreaming y’all.

The second entry

So yesterdays entry was the fastest I’ve ever written 1000 words which was about an hour and a half. I’m not the best typist around so an hour and a half for me is some pretty good going. I’m not sure what my previous best was but I think it would have been about 2 hours, not that I’m trying to break any typing records but I think that one of the hardest things when writing is to have an idea about what it is your writing about. For instance right now I have no idea what it is that I’m going to be writing about in this post. None at all.

So why am I writing a blog at all? Well in the last post which of course was my very first blog post I established that I created this blog primarily for me. To practice writing and to improve on my writing so hopefully maybe a few months down the track and I can look over this website and pick up on some of the mistakes I’ve done with possibly the hope to correct them later on down the line. Maybe one day I can look back on this particular post and say something like “this is where it all began, my career as a blogger.”

If nothing else at least my typing will improve, so at least there is one positive.

Today I had to lie to some friends. They are my best friends in the world and to try and expand on the lie I have to get things right in my head as to insure that I can elaborate on it so as I don’t get caught out. Why am I lying to my best friends you may wonder. Well it’s because I don’t have the money to afford to go with them to a party, and because they are my best friends and if they knew that I couldn’t afford to go with them to a party then they would pay for my alcohol. Because they are my best friends I don’t want them to pay for my alcohol so I would prefer to lie to them by saying that I have a funeral to be at. For me it’s better to lie because otherwise they would force me to go with them I would feel obligated to pay them back when I probably don’t have the means to do so at the moment. I know they would say that I don’t have to pay them back but in my own heart I feel that I would be obliged to because I’m one of those people who hate owing anything to others. I also hate when people owe me something be it money or favor’s because I keep tabs on both be it me owing someone else or vice versa. Now while lying is the better option for me at least, I’m not trying to justify my lie even though that is probably exactly what I am doing.

Friends lie to each other, I mean even family lies to each other I think a lot of people lie because its safer to do so most of the time then telling the truth. Some people talk about half-truths, well are half-truths a lie? And as such is lying so terrible after all? We’ve become very good at lying I think and as such people, especially adults have become experts at lying. Yet people rave about being honest all the time. And we expect our children to never lie. However they will go on and become just as good at lying as their parents, and we will be proud of them for doing so, we won’t tell them that we are proud of them for being great liars though but we will be I’m sure.

For me being honorable is more important then being honest. Though telling the truth to supposed complete strangers about me lying to my best friends is hardly what I would call honorable. But there is some honor I think in acknowledging that you are lying to your friends as most people would just lie to them and then not even acknowledge that fact. I think that the majority of people will just lie to their friends and never again even dwell on the fact that they have done so, they would just dismiss the thought and never think about it again. In fact a lot of people could indeed get in to the habit of dismissing the lies that they tell their friends and family. The lies that go on unacknowledged.

Now, just because I am acknowledging my lie in this post, I don’t want to dismiss the fact that I am trying to vindicate what I have done at all, as I think that many people do experience situations similar to mine.

What I am trying to say is that lying is not always a BAD thing. In my example I would just prefer to lie, rather then having that constricting feeling of debt hanging over my head when I was with my friends because I have felt that before with this particular set of friends. Don’t get me wrong my friends are very generous, probably too generous for my liking, but that is probably why we are friends in the first place. Its just for me when it comes to these sorts of things I prefer to have a clean balance sheet not a skewed one.

I know that it may be wrong, or at least sad to have to lie to your best friends but sometimes there are situations when its best to. Obviously because I am writing this I do hate having to lie to them but I do feel better about it in a way because I have gotten part of this guilt that I’m having about lying to my best friends off my chest and maybe knowing the truth of the situation has made it clear at least in my head that perhaps I don’t have to lie to them about a situation like this in the future.

Well that’s 1000 words in slightly less then an hour and a half which is great, my goal for this blog has already been fulfilled, improvement has now already been achieved. Till next time sweet dreaming y’all.

My first ever entry

The first entry.

So I’ve been meaning to write a blog now for some time and when I mean for some time I mean for a few years now. I tried to get started years ago but really didn’t thinking that I had to make an entry every day which for me at that time would have been if not impossible, certainly very improbable to be honest. I’m not saying that I am able to make an entry every day but I am certainly willing to give it a go.

So why am I attempting to write a blog now? Well I think that the reason is because I am writing more and more and so naturally I’m writing to improve my writing. I’m hoping that the more I practice the better I’ll become at writing which is something that I think that I’ve always had an affinity with since perhaps birth.

You see I’m currently in the process of trying to write a book, well two actually. Though of late I’ve decided just to focus on one for the moment. Trying to write just one book is difficult enough. The advice that I’ve been given has pretty simple. Just write. And so I have been and to be honest I really didn’t realise how hard it is to simply do that, just write. Actually the advice has been “to write everyday” and that has been nearly impossible for me. With my book I’ve been trying to write an outline to the story but for the most part I’ve been pantsing which I’ve since discovered means “flying by the seat of ones pants.” I can certainly see the advantages in writing an outline as one is able to get a good over view of the story, you can find places to enhance and twist the plot and add in sub-plots as well, where and possibly when to introduce certain characters but for now pantsing seems to be working out fine for me.

Last year my father passed away and before his death a particular story entered my head. It was about an old man who was in hospital with cancer, who one day believed that he was a Starfleet Captain and had mind-melded with a Vulcan who had filled his head with what he called “all sorts of medical mumbo-jumbo” and started curing a large majority of the patients who were in the hospital with him.

He also knew when someone was going to pass away and for some of those people he would inexplicable appear by them to either say good-bye or to wish them a safe journey on their travels. I have kind of started on that book but it will be some time before I get on to that one as I’ve currently got another story that I’m attempting to write at the moment.

I was watching a Youtube video where this guy’s advice was to write a bad book before writing a good one because if you have written a the bad book having the knowledge that you were able to write a book will give you the confidence to write a good one. So the bad book that I am currently writing is about this young man who was hitch hiking home when he comes upon a car crash late at night. The protagonist of the story try’s to help the so called victim of the car crash but discovers that the boot of the car is filled with drugs and thousands of dollars of cash. He scoops up all the cash and drugs and starts to walk away from the crash site hearing the guy in the car screaming help, but rushes off. He gets a good distance away from the crashed vehicle before guilt over takes him and he decides to turn back to help the guy in the car, only to see what turns out to be gun flashes and shots. He turns and heads away from the gunshots and carries on towards home in the darkness. Now this is just the beginning of the story and while I do have a particular end in mind I’m still a long way off from there and I think that my pacing of the story is going a little to fast but I’m not really sure so I’m “pantsing” on I guess.

I guess the inspiration for this story is myself as many years ago in the early 90’s I ended up hitch hiking all the way from Wellington to Gisborne. It’s about a 6 hour drive10 to 12 hours on a bus but it took me a day and half to get to Gisborne from Wellington. Which was quite incredible really because I got to Napier before 1pm. So it took me 5 hours to get to Napier which is pretty good going if your coming from Wellington but it took me 26 hours to get from Napier to Gisborne which was quite a hike let me tell you. And while I did try to get some sleep in a wool shed that I came upon that night it was to cold for me to get any sleep so I decided to just walk in order to at least keep myself warm. Now I didn’t come across a car crash or any drugs or cash on my travels that night but I did have a lot of thoughts of my predicament at the time what I would do if I had a lot of money and things along that line which obviously manifested over the years into me telling a story partly of the experience of that particular time.

Anyway, that is pretty much my first ever blog. I’m hoping to write 1000 words in the morning for my blog and 1000 words at night for my first ever book. Hopefully I’m able to post an entry tomorrow which will mean that I am able to procure another 1000 words from my brain. Till then sweet dreaming y’all.