So I’ve been enjoying writing a blog even though I haven’t gotten anybody to read my blog yet. One of the things that I’ve been able to do is self analyze myself and the feelings that I have. As well as that I’ve been able to reflect on some of the things in my life as well which has been really interesting. Seeing how you see life and mulling over what you find to be important to yourself and looking at what kind of bugs you when you get to my age is a good thing considering that probably over half my life has passed me by, and so I’m able to assess my life and make decisions to either readjust my path or to continue on in the same vein.
For me I have a vague outline of what I want for the future, and I believe I have the means to achieve it, and maybe I need why help to get their, but I think for me it is hard to ask for help in order to get there. Why that would be I don’t know, probably pride really. I saw a video recently where a women was going on about people asking for help and that it isn’t showing weakness asking for help, in fact your showing weakness by not asking for help. I know that it is not just hard for me to ask for help but to know what help is available. The funny thing is though that if someone needs help and asks me to help them for the most part I would go out of my way to help that person and I think that I know a lot of people who would do the same. Yet ironically I find it nearly impossible to ask for help.
Possibly it could be the thought of being rejected which I really hate. Possibly it is the fact that you put yourself at the mercy of someone else, which I’m not all to fond of either. Possibly it is the fact that you just hate owing somebody something which is another thing that I hate or it could be a possible combination of a whole lot of things.
One thing that I know is that I hate asking people for money. Especially if they owe me. If I owe say a friend money I usually pay them back exactly when I say I will. And I very rarely loan out money the main reason being that I don’t have any. Trying to ask people for money is just not something that I’m comfortable with and never have been. But if someone gets a loan off of me and they don’t pay me back when they say they will it’s a given that they won’t get another loan from me.
I guess you could indeed say that not being able to ask for help is a weakness, but for me there is a reason for that weakness. I’m not saying that there is a good reason for that weakness however, just that there is one. And it’s a reason that I own, and possibly share with a lot of people. Another weakness I can admit to is in helping people. Sometimes when you help people they are able to manipulate your kindness and benefit in a way where you are actually put out of pocket or lose something that was valuable to you. That seems to be happening more and more and sadly makes people who get into those sorts of predicaments not want to offer their help in the first place.
There are some people I think who strictly offer their help to purely benefit themselves in some way, expecting that some time down the line they will get something in return. Then there are those who just help because they feel pity for somebody in a bad predicament or know the feeling of helplessness all to well and want to help because somebody helped them out in there time of need and so feel that they need to pay back the universe in some small kind way. Others just help to feel that good feeling of, well just helping. Being able to help someone in need is a great feeling to have, it gives you a feeling of self- worth and pride. On the opposite end though the feeling of being manipulated gives you a feeling of worthlessness and low self-esteem. And because of that feeling it’s no wonder that there are people who, like myself are unwilling to ask for help.
Now I’m not trying to justify my unwillingness to ask people for help, I’m just trying to say that there are reasons why I have that particular weakness in my repertoire and in saying that I believe a lot of other people would probably feel the same way.
Just saying that “people who don’t ask for help are really the weak ones,” is not getting to the heart of the problem because as I have mentioned, there is a reason. I’ll be honest I didn’t even know when I started writing this post that there really was a reason why I don’t ask for help, that’s just something that I’ve discovered in the writing of this post, and as such I’ve had very little time to ponder on this thought really.
Figuring out ‘why’ people have certain thoughts, feelings or weaknesses takes a bit of time to work out, so I guess I’ll let the thought mull over in my mind for a while before I come to a conclusion, if I ever do so of course.
You know when I first started this blog I never thought that I would ‘self-reflect’ on things but it has been great to be able to do so. At least it has for me, I don’t know if it has for you though if there is actually a you of course considering that I might be the only person who will ever read this blog. If that is the case I am the only person who will read this blog let me just say till tomorrow sweet dreaming y’all.